Humor

Welcome to my Humor Land where you get access to the choicest of jokes I haven’t ever come across.

Note: Care will be taken not to harm anyone’s sentiments but still if something like this happens, who cares?? huh??

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Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
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Amusing Arrest
A public school teacher has just been arrested at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. “Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Reid said.
“They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, `There are 3 sides to every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, speaking from his holiday resort at No 10, said, “If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more Fingers and Toes.”
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Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you, ” says the game warden.
“That’s true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
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Who said English ain’t fun??
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a London Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a London secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in London health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
At a Doctors office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In an Acapulco Hotel: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
In a City restaurant: ON SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO
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Movies Related to College Life
Exam == Kalyug
Classes == Kabhi Kabhi
Viva == Encounter
Examination Hall == Chamber of Secret
Examiner == Mrityudata
Course == Godzilla
Paper Correction == Andha Kanoon
Exam Time == Qayamat se Qayamat Tak
Question Paper == Paheli
Answer Paper == Kora Kagaz
Marks == Ashambhav
Paper Out == Plan
Cheating == Aksar
Last Exam == Independence Day
Result == Sadma
Pass == Ajooba / Chamatkar
Fail == Devdas
Vacations == Masti
Supplementary == Aakhri Rasta
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Sardar enters a shop and shouts, “Where’s my free gift with this oil?”
Shopkeeper: “There is no gift with this Sir!”
Sardar: “Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE!!”
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The Equation
7 Glances = 1 Smile
7 Smiles = 1 Meeting
7 Meetings = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposals = 1 Marriage
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
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You know you’re addicted to the internet when…
• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Excite.
• You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You forget what year it is.
• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
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The Extravagant Wife
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£70,000”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..
He smiles and asks: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
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10 most stupid questions…
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps n your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is ! the “Butter Paneer Masala” dish good??
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years…
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?
No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping….you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks…
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Gosh, it’s a miracle …….it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
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Funny slogans

# Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber’s saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:
Don’t let your kids drive if they are not old enough – or else theynever will be…..

#THE BEST ONE:
Its God’s responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It’s our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.”
– Indian Armed Forces
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